Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question