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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I went from rags to one rag.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.