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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.