🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
You Might Also Like
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.