🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad