🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird