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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Breaking news:
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…