🤣😈🤣
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever