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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
also my go-to takeaway order
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Couple goals
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.