You Might Also Like
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
#Thanos #MondayMood
☠️ ☠️
“our sushi is very fresh”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”