🤣🤣
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort