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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money