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Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand