🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
#Caturday
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
the three branches of government
