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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
This guy gets it.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.