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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to