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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”