Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.