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See..?
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
no exceptions
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
CUTE CAT‼︎
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them