🤣🤣🤣
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice