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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
me after i passed that state trooper
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.