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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please