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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
What a year we’ve had this week.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s