🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
🙂🐾
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
guilty
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers