Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Seems legit.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.