Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next question.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

This is hilarious

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone