🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
It’s on my to-do list.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs