🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
There are no pants in heaven.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay