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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I love art.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.