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Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny