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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)