🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
