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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Grandpa
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that