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therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Tapped in
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*