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Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
This made me chuckle.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
every single time
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
a god among men
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
