You Might Also Like
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals