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Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey