🤭😂
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
not seeing the problem
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on