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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.