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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is