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Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.