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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
What
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.