🥲
You Might Also Like
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.