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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
well this is just bullshirt
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you