🥴😂
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.