🥴😂
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as is their right
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Love is in the air fryer.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?