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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The struggle is real.
