Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

scared to check what name she chose

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do