Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleeping beauty

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

eggs benadryl

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

My favorite farside!!

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not