Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I’ve had relationships like this

Happy Friday

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

how to market bottled water to dads

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”