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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
#polloftheday
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.