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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what