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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro