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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I鈥檓 doing a book report on a book I didn鈥檛 read.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I didn鈥檛 even know this was an option. Considering it.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I鈥檝e given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be