You Might Also Like
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.