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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.