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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
October already? What’s next? November????
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.