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Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah