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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me when I hear gossip
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.